Perhaps the title of this blog is a bit confusing, even a bit unsettling. I'm not sure how widespread the saying is, but referring to one's "dead twin" in my family means you're talking about embarrassing pictures or videos from when you were younger. Say for instance, you find a picture taken when you were eight years old wearing a pink dinosaur costume with ribbons (and you're a boy); or you're wearing an embarrassing dress at an age when you were fairly overweight. One might say that the person in that picture is not them, but rather "my dead twin."
Why would we refer to ourselves in such a way? When we see that image, it brings up memories that we no longer associate with ourselves. You may be fit and athletic today, but in that picture you were lucky to fit in X-Large or even XX-Large shirts. You may be a fashion guru today, but in that video you were wearing overalls with dirty matted hair. You see that image, that image of someone you no longer recognize, and you laugh at that person. He or she is dismissed as little more than a stranger you never want to meet again.
As strange as it may sound, I believe this is normal behavior. You're leaving the past where it belongs: in the past. Whether you say it's a "dead twin" or leave it without a name. You see it, laugh at how silly it is, and move on.
...and I wish I could do that too.
I recently had my family send pictures from when I was younger so that I can put them in a video for my wedding on June 12th. I had mixed emotions while looking through them, to say the least. There were many that made me smile, others even made me laugh. Let's face it, I was a cute little guy. But then certain ones would pop up with reminders of embarrassing moments in my life...embarrassing things I did, how fat I used to be, how kids made fun of me, how insecure I used to feel every day of my life...and those memories just wouldn't go away. I couldn't convince myself that this person I was looking at was someone else. The person in those pictures is who I used to be...who I still am...someone I try to block out of my mind, but always seems to find a way to invade my thoughts again and again.
Why do I let these things bother me so much? Why can't I leave these things in the past? Why does looking through a bunch of old photographs leave me feeling tired and exhausted, why does it leave me with a headache hours afterward, and why do I feel disgusted looking at pictures of myself? I wish I knew.
There are times I'll be driving in my car, sitting at my desk at work, even just laying in bed...and the memories will show up. Something I said in middle school that made another kid call me stupid and laugh. Stupid "cute" things I did as a little kid that I completely forgot about at one point, but someone in my family would remind me and now they won't go away. Sometimes those memories go away as quickly as they came. Other times they leave me unable to focus. At times just a few seconds, others I spend a minute or two trying to fight it. Then sometimes at night just before I fall asleep...one memory snowballs, bringing more and more embarrassing memories along with it, until my head is little more than an overstuffed vacuum bag ready to explode.
Maybe one day I'll be able to finally leave it all behind, to "bury" my "dead twin" and move on. I've been trying for years, and it's getting better all the time. Sometimes that's just not fast enough though. I want those memories to go away, never to return or rear their ugly head into my business ever again. Now. Not in a week, not tomorrow. Now. I want to cherish my memories, not despise them. I want to enjoy who I am and what got me to where I am today.
I want to live without the painful reminder of what came before.
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