Perhaps the title of this blog is a bit confusing, even a bit unsettling. I'm not sure how widespread the saying is, but referring to one's "dead twin" in my family means you're talking about embarrassing pictures or videos from when you were younger. Say for instance, you find a picture taken when you were eight years old wearing a pink dinosaur costume with ribbons (and you're a boy); or you're wearing an embarrassing dress at an age when you were fairly overweight. One might say that the person in that picture is not them, but rather "my dead twin."
Why would we refer to ourselves in such a way? When we see that image, it brings up memories that we no longer associate with ourselves. You may be fit and athletic today, but in that picture you were lucky to fit in X-Large or even XX-Large shirts. You may be a fashion guru today, but in that video you were wearing overalls with dirty matted hair. You see that image, that image of someone you no longer recognize, and you laugh at that person. He or she is dismissed as little more than a stranger you never want to meet again.
As strange as it may sound, I believe this is normal behavior. You're leaving the past where it belongs: in the past. Whether you say it's a "dead twin" or leave it without a name. You see it, laugh at how silly it is, and move on.
...and I wish I could do that too.
I recently had my family send pictures from when I was younger so that I can put them in a video for my wedding on June 12th. I had mixed emotions while looking through them, to say the least. There were many that made me smile, others even made me laugh. Let's face it, I was a cute little guy. But then certain ones would pop up with reminders of embarrassing moments in my life...embarrassing things I did, how fat I used to be, how kids made fun of me, how insecure I used to feel every day of my life...and those memories just wouldn't go away. I couldn't convince myself that this person I was looking at was someone else. The person in those pictures is who I used to be...who I still am...someone I try to block out of my mind, but always seems to find a way to invade my thoughts again and again.
Why do I let these things bother me so much? Why can't I leave these things in the past? Why does looking through a bunch of old photographs leave me feeling tired and exhausted, why does it leave me with a headache hours afterward, and why do I feel disgusted looking at pictures of myself? I wish I knew.
There are times I'll be driving in my car, sitting at my desk at work, even just laying in bed...and the memories will show up. Something I said in middle school that made another kid call me stupid and laugh. Stupid "cute" things I did as a little kid that I completely forgot about at one point, but someone in my family would remind me and now they won't go away. Sometimes those memories go away as quickly as they came. Other times they leave me unable to focus. At times just a few seconds, others I spend a minute or two trying to fight it. Then sometimes at night just before I fall asleep...one memory snowballs, bringing more and more embarrassing memories along with it, until my head is little more than an overstuffed vacuum bag ready to explode.
Maybe one day I'll be able to finally leave it all behind, to "bury" my "dead twin" and move on. I've been trying for years, and it's getting better all the time. Sometimes that's just not fast enough though. I want those memories to go away, never to return or rear their ugly head into my business ever again. Now. Not in a week, not tomorrow. Now. I want to cherish my memories, not despise them. I want to enjoy who I am and what got me to where I am today.
I want to live without the painful reminder of what came before.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
In Search Of Employment: Job Quest 2010
For those of you that know me, it should come as no surprise that I have been searching for a job since shortly before putting in my 3-weeks notice with my previous employer. In regards to why I quit, I have my reasons and I prefer to keep most of those personal. What I will say however is a rule that I believe everyone should follow to the best of their ability: do what makes you happy. Easier said than done right? I was in the fortunate position of not having a family to support. No wife, no kids (unless you count the dog and rabbit), and no mortgage. Rent to pay, yes...but I'm just trying to make a point here. Most people can't just up and leave a company if they aren't happy with the situation on account of the previously mentioned reasons, perhaps even others. Some may not be able to simply because they are barely making ends meet as it is. Again, I was lucky enough to not be in this particular position.
The first several weeks of my job search, which took place before and during the 3-weeks notice, was largely uneventful as a result of having to juggle a full time job at the same time. Fact is, simply searching for a new job can be a full time job in and of itself, leaving very little room for any personal time or relaxation. Unless of course you don't mind a significant lack of sleep.
After my last day things changed quite a bit. I was able to finally really focus on the job search, but I took the first week to focus more on things around the apartment, spending time with my fiancée (girlfriend at the time), and doing my best to relax. Eventually I did continue my search, though for quite a while it seemed like a fruitless effort. Many companies didn't even respond to my applications while others feigned interest only to later shoot me down or apparently forget about me altogether.
There was one company that seemed promising at the beginning. They responded quickly to my application with a potential hire questionnaire, and even called once as a sort of informal phone interview. However, when all was said and done they insisted that the position I applied for was entry-level (despite several years experience as a requirement), and would not increase the proposed base salary at all. With a proposed salary far beneath my bare minimum, I declined and moved on to continue the search.
Well over a month has passed since my last day as a "working man". 46 days to be exact. I've had some disappointing times during my search, though several opportunities did arise. Some of these resulted in interviews that sadly did not go well enough to land myself the specific job. Though one company did give me hope. Despite not getting the position I was told that there were several very strong candidates for them to choose from, and I was one of their top choices. Obviously a let down in the end, but it isn't often that a company will actually tell you of how highly you were regarded in an interview; and that helped make me feel more confident that a new job was within reach.
Of course where there is good, the bad will rear its ugly head. Very recently, last Friday (May 7th) to be exact, I had an interview with a company that appeared to be a perfect match. The recruiting coordinator appeared to be extremely excited about having me join the company, my initial phone interview went splendidly, and I completed their preliminary online knowledge test despite questions of certain programming languages I have never worked with. The interview was supposed to be approximately 2 hours long, with four people in 30 minute interviews each. After my interview with the first person, the second came in only to tell me that they did not find my technical knowledge to be satisfactory for the position they were looking to fill. As a result, they decided to end the interview at that point and my 2 hour interview ended after only 40 minutes.
I know some people (perhaps many) in my position at that time would have lost their minds, and I did in a sense. What they did to me was horribly insulting, and reflected badly upon my opinion of their overall work ethic. It was a figurative punch to the face, though it might as well have been physical, because it hurt worse than I imagined. I will not post their name here as I do not wish to slander the company as they were apparently worrying about their best interests, but that is no excuse for the shoddy treatment I received. I will never even consider looking at this company again, nor will I recommend any friends or acquaintances to them.
As a result I began to question myself more than ever before:
"Have I made a mistake?"
"Should I have stayed with my old company?"
"Am I really not as intelligent as I thought?"
"Am I a failure?"
All these questions and more, combined with self-doubt and complete shock bounced around in my mind like a sealed tea kettle until I felt as if my head would explode. But just as the bad tends to follow the good...the good also tends to follow the bad.
With the support of my fiancée, family, and friends I was able to pull myself out of the doldrums and look toward the future: two interviews coming up the very next week. The first interview took place yesterday, May 10th, and it went amazingly. Again I had four interviews, and they all really liked me from what I was told. One of the interviews was even with the president of the company, which I found to be amazing since the heads of many companies wouldn't take the time to get to know their employees well, let alone the applicants. As the end of the interview neared, I realized that I felt more confident about myself than in any previous interview! A complete reversal of what I had felt only days before, when self-doubt barely began to describe how I felt.
Then much to my surprise, they actually made an offer before the interview was completely over. I was astonished and overjoyed to say the least. I did request a few days to think it over before I decided whether to accept the offer or not, but a few hours later I called them and put in my verbal acceptance. Now all that stands between me and a job is whether my background check categorizes being a complete dork as a misdemeanor.
With my search finally drawing to a close, I am filled with relief and satisfaction. I honestly do believe that the old adage, "If it is meant to be, it will be" is true, especially in reflecting upon my experience over these last 46 days. We can force ourselves to do jobs that we are not comfortable with, but when the right job...the right "it"...comes along, good things will happen.
So to everyone out there looking for jobs, I wish you good luck and send my thoughts and prayers to you all. While it may sound cheesy, there is something out there for us all. You just can't give up no matter how hard it may get.
Easier said than done, of course.
The first several weeks of my job search, which took place before and during the 3-weeks notice, was largely uneventful as a result of having to juggle a full time job at the same time. Fact is, simply searching for a new job can be a full time job in and of itself, leaving very little room for any personal time or relaxation. Unless of course you don't mind a significant lack of sleep.
After my last day things changed quite a bit. I was able to finally really focus on the job search, but I took the first week to focus more on things around the apartment, spending time with my fiancée (girlfriend at the time), and doing my best to relax. Eventually I did continue my search, though for quite a while it seemed like a fruitless effort. Many companies didn't even respond to my applications while others feigned interest only to later shoot me down or apparently forget about me altogether.
There was one company that seemed promising at the beginning. They responded quickly to my application with a potential hire questionnaire, and even called once as a sort of informal phone interview. However, when all was said and done they insisted that the position I applied for was entry-level (despite several years experience as a requirement), and would not increase the proposed base salary at all. With a proposed salary far beneath my bare minimum, I declined and moved on to continue the search.
Well over a month has passed since my last day as a "working man". 46 days to be exact. I've had some disappointing times during my search, though several opportunities did arise. Some of these resulted in interviews that sadly did not go well enough to land myself the specific job. Though one company did give me hope. Despite not getting the position I was told that there were several very strong candidates for them to choose from, and I was one of their top choices. Obviously a let down in the end, but it isn't often that a company will actually tell you of how highly you were regarded in an interview; and that helped make me feel more confident that a new job was within reach.
Of course where there is good, the bad will rear its ugly head. Very recently, last Friday (May 7th) to be exact, I had an interview with a company that appeared to be a perfect match. The recruiting coordinator appeared to be extremely excited about having me join the company, my initial phone interview went splendidly, and I completed their preliminary online knowledge test despite questions of certain programming languages I have never worked with. The interview was supposed to be approximately 2 hours long, with four people in 30 minute interviews each. After my interview with the first person, the second came in only to tell me that they did not find my technical knowledge to be satisfactory for the position they were looking to fill. As a result, they decided to end the interview at that point and my 2 hour interview ended after only 40 minutes.
I know some people (perhaps many) in my position at that time would have lost their minds, and I did in a sense. What they did to me was horribly insulting, and reflected badly upon my opinion of their overall work ethic. It was a figurative punch to the face, though it might as well have been physical, because it hurt worse than I imagined. I will not post their name here as I do not wish to slander the company as they were apparently worrying about their best interests, but that is no excuse for the shoddy treatment I received. I will never even consider looking at this company again, nor will I recommend any friends or acquaintances to them.
As a result I began to question myself more than ever before:
"Have I made a mistake?"
"Should I have stayed with my old company?"
"Am I really not as intelligent as I thought?"
"Am I a failure?"
All these questions and more, combined with self-doubt and complete shock bounced around in my mind like a sealed tea kettle until I felt as if my head would explode. But just as the bad tends to follow the good...the good also tends to follow the bad.
With the support of my fiancée, family, and friends I was able to pull myself out of the doldrums and look toward the future: two interviews coming up the very next week. The first interview took place yesterday, May 10th, and it went amazingly. Again I had four interviews, and they all really liked me from what I was told. One of the interviews was even with the president of the company, which I found to be amazing since the heads of many companies wouldn't take the time to get to know their employees well, let alone the applicants. As the end of the interview neared, I realized that I felt more confident about myself than in any previous interview! A complete reversal of what I had felt only days before, when self-doubt barely began to describe how I felt.
Then much to my surprise, they actually made an offer before the interview was completely over. I was astonished and overjoyed to say the least. I did request a few days to think it over before I decided whether to accept the offer or not, but a few hours later I called them and put in my verbal acceptance. Now all that stands between me and a job is whether my background check categorizes being a complete dork as a misdemeanor.
With my search finally drawing to a close, I am filled with relief and satisfaction. I honestly do believe that the old adage, "If it is meant to be, it will be" is true, especially in reflecting upon my experience over these last 46 days. We can force ourselves to do jobs that we are not comfortable with, but when the right job...the right "it"...comes along, good things will happen.
So to everyone out there looking for jobs, I wish you good luck and send my thoughts and prayers to you all. While it may sound cheesy, there is something out there for us all. You just can't give up no matter how hard it may get.
Easier said than done, of course.
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