Lunch Break Musings #1

Nothing serious this time around. Just talking about a few things :)

At long last, my website is nearing completion; which means that all of my blogs, videos, and other creative...creations will be available in one place. Though I technically have a website already, I was very disappointed with the outcome in various aspects (color, layout, interface). This time around I am using the [sometimes annoyingly] popular WordPress design, with a template from Elegant Themes.

Given the relative simplicity of using WordPress, my website should have been ready long ago. I mean hell, with the templates 90% of the design work is done for me! However with a combination of inexperience, a slight deficiency in attention, frustration, and thinking-too-much/overcomplicating-things, the process all but screeched to a hault for far too long.

I keep saying that I need to write more, and this is true. I honestly feel that writing (in addition to making videos) is both cathartic and therapeutic for me, even when I write about food & restaurants like in my other blog. Once the website completion is out of the way, that will be one less "obstacle" (so to speak) to take up my time from writing. You know, besides my general lack of attention and having to work. ...and video games

When all is said and done, I will post links pretty much everywhere I can think of: on here, my Twitter account, YouTube, Facebook, Google+, and Times Square (if it's affordable).

Random note on the topic of Twitter: I'll be creating an account for my dog Charlie. I know this sounds dumb to some people, but there seems to be a lot of "pet" accounts, and I think it will be interesting to see how many "Tweeps" he can meet on there. Or perhaps I'll create one account that all 3 of our pets will "use". Hmm...

...SQUIRREL! *runs off*

This was quite possibly the most nonsensical thing I've written since the emo songs/poems in high school.

Where Does My Mind Lay?

Lately I've been dedicating the vast majority of my creative attention to doing vlogs on YouTube. As a result, I have neglected my blogs and even my stories that I am a long way off from finishing.

My plans are to start doing more than just vlogs and move on to creating funny skits, how-to videos for cooking gluten & dairy free treats, and much more. There is so much I want to do, but I often lack a vital ingredient to accomplishing these things:

Focus.

At work, I find myself daydreaming of the creative things I'd love to work on. At home, when I think about working on writing or recording something, I find myself goofing off or getting stuck in front of the television. When I feel like working out, I'm conflicted because it's also time I could spend doing something with Jill, or writing, or playing with Charlie, or even playing a video game like I've done rarely these days.

I wish for more time to do things, but the reality of the situation is that if I were able to focus, I wouldn't need more time. For instance, I'm writing this at 1:15 CST when the idea popped in my head in between movies with Jill, Corrie, and Aaron.

This post originally started out as somewhat of a complaint about my lack of focus, but really it's more of a revelation for me. I'm not complaining, I'm just putting it out there. If I want to get things accomplished, I have to do them and not make excuses.

I want to write because I have stories to share.

I want to make vlogs because it gives me a chance to share my weirdness with the world.

I want to make videos because I want to take my ideas to another level.

I want to have a job someday that doesn't have me sitting on my butt all day staring at a computer screen. I do enough of that in my spare time.

I want to re-learn guitar because it's fun, and I don't care about being "good" at it.

I want to be quick and direct like my wife, because she's one of the strongest people I know.

I want to show myself that time is what I make of it.

And so much more.

How I Saved The World (Talking To God)

DISCLAIMER: If you're going to read this, you better have a sense of humor. Especially if you're of the Christian faith, because without a sense of humor this will probably just make you mad. Not that I care whether you get mad or not, I just don't want to hear anyone bitching about it. Oh, and for the younger audience, there's at least 1 "naughty word" below. I promise you won't have a moral epileptic seizure.


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May 21, 2011. The day that was to be the end of the world (according to Harold Camping). The end of days. The Rapture. But the world didn't end, did it? The vast majority of us are still here, and old Harold said that he was wrong.

But was he really wrong? So many of us laughed and joked about it, even going so far as to boast our preparedness for the Zombie Apocalypse (to which I say "BRING IT ON").

On Wednesday, the 18th, I noticed that God tweeted about how he accidentally scheduled the Rapture on his day of rest (that's right, He has a Twitter account). That's when it dawned on me: Jill's graduation was on the 21st. After all the work she put into completing her Masters program, I knew I had to try something!

Having seen the movie Bruce Almighty, I knew that He had a huge backlog of prayers, so I went the direct route and replied to His Twitter post.

Thus, the epic battle of "140 Characters or Less" did ensue to decide the fate of the world as we know it!

Crisis averted, Rapture rescheduled, and my wife got to walk the line at her graduation.

You're welcome.

I'll Get Better

One of the greatest challenges I’ve had to face in my life is a common issue with many people: low self-esteem. For years it was an inner turmoil that often exposed itself as nervousness and self-loathing, both mentally and externally. But to quote John Cleese, “I got better.” 

Well, for the most part anyway.

Today, though my self-esteem is much higher than it once was, there are aspects of the past that continue to plague me. Certain aspects of my past refuse to be forgotten, constantly finding ways to grab hold of a gap in my inner defenses whenever possible. The most annoying of these break through during simple interactions that many people wouldn’t think twice about. Despite having moved beyond the most debilitating of my inner demons, I so often have a grave feeling of being judged.

Judged by whom? It depends on the situation. If I’m at a wedding reception or club with my wife where people are dancing, I often can’t bring myself to dance. Before I even approach the floor I imagine everyone’s eyes suddenly fixated on me, dancing awkwardly and “looking stupid”. Outside of a crowd, I fear negative judgment from new friends and colleagues, that they won’t like me or enjoy my presence. Even when absolutely nothing negative occurs while together, I get a feeling that the others are simply “tolerating” me.

Why, as a 26-year-old adult, do I let these things bother me so much? For that matter, why do I even let such thoughts enter my mind? A large mixture of events and conversations, each pretty insignificant by itself, piled into a giant heap of insecurity and disgust that just won’t go away completely. Like December snow in Minnesota, it just keeps piling up and never seems to go away.

Silly, insignificant events…

At a high school football game, I had coins thrown at me as I walked by the opposing team’s bleachers. I restrained my fury and simply flipped off the section of people that had thrown the coins. A few days later, as I walked up to church, I was stopped by someone I considered a friend at that time.

“Why did you raise your middle finger at people at the game?”

“They were throwing stuff at me.”

“That’s no excuse. What kind of Christian are you?”

Judged. Put down for showing the slightest act of defiance to protect my pride. I’m human and humans make mistakes. Humans also get angry when other humans hurt them. Am I not allowed the right to be angry? No. Every time I step out of bounds I’m judged and I forsake who I am. Or I forsake my religion. As a Christian, aren’t I part of the religion, and therefore forsaking myself?

On spring break with a group of friends, we met some girls that we hung out with most of the week. Several of them “paired off” and seemed interested in all the guys but me. When one of them identified me as the “loner”, she helped point out what was wrong with me.

“We all think you’re really really cute, but you don’t talk enough!”

I’m boring. I listen, but by not driving a conversation I’m left behind. Silence is always awkward, and everyone hates awkward silences. So when I don’t talk, I fail. But if I don’t have anything to say, am I intrinsically a failure?

I go to a club with a friend while we’re on summer vacation. A girl grabs me and I try to dance, only to be met with her mocking laughter as she bluntly says…

“That’s not how you dance!”

She moves away to someone else and leaves me alone on the floor. It felt like everyone’s eyes were on me as I walked off the floor and tried to blend into the shadows like an invisible wallflower.

“That’s not how you dance.” I didn’t know how to dance. I don’t know how to dance. No one ever taught me. I’m told that it only matters if you have fun. How is it possible to have fun when you’re laughed at for not being able to do it correctly? Why does everyone look at me if I even approach a dance floor? Why is everyone watching, waiting for me to start moving awkwardly and make a fool of myself?

Little, tiny, insignificant events that should mean nothing; but they do. Though not as much as they once did, they do. So what to do?

I work on it.

I write about what bothers me. I talk to my wife about how I feel without fear of being judged. I cherish my friends, new and old, that like me for me. I replace the old “friends” with new, real friends that give a damn about me and that’s all that matters. I work on my family life, my personal life, my professional, spiritual, psychological, and artistic life. Though the bad is near impossible to let go of, it won’t be around forever.

“I got better.”

…and I’ll get better.