How I Saved The World (Talking To God)

DISCLAIMER: If you're going to read this, you better have a sense of humor. Especially if you're of the Christian faith, because without a sense of humor this will probably just make you mad. Not that I care whether you get mad or not, I just don't want to hear anyone bitching about it. Oh, and for the younger audience, there's at least 1 "naughty word" below. I promise you won't have a moral epileptic seizure.


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May 21, 2011. The day that was to be the end of the world (according to Harold Camping). The end of days. The Rapture. But the world didn't end, did it? The vast majority of us are still here, and old Harold said that he was wrong.

But was he really wrong? So many of us laughed and joked about it, even going so far as to boast our preparedness for the Zombie Apocalypse (to which I say "BRING IT ON").

On Wednesday, the 18th, I noticed that God tweeted about how he accidentally scheduled the Rapture on his day of rest (that's right, He has a Twitter account). That's when it dawned on me: Jill's graduation was on the 21st. After all the work she put into completing her Masters program, I knew I had to try something!

Having seen the movie Bruce Almighty, I knew that He had a huge backlog of prayers, so I went the direct route and replied to His Twitter post.

Thus, the epic battle of "140 Characters or Less" did ensue to decide the fate of the world as we know it!

Crisis averted, Rapture rescheduled, and my wife got to walk the line at her graduation.

You're welcome.

I'll Get Better

One of the greatest challenges I’ve had to face in my life is a common issue with many people: low self-esteem. For years it was an inner turmoil that often exposed itself as nervousness and self-loathing, both mentally and externally. But to quote John Cleese, “I got better.” 

Well, for the most part anyway.

Today, though my self-esteem is much higher than it once was, there are aspects of the past that continue to plague me. Certain aspects of my past refuse to be forgotten, constantly finding ways to grab hold of a gap in my inner defenses whenever possible. The most annoying of these break through during simple interactions that many people wouldn’t think twice about. Despite having moved beyond the most debilitating of my inner demons, I so often have a grave feeling of being judged.

Judged by whom? It depends on the situation. If I’m at a wedding reception or club with my wife where people are dancing, I often can’t bring myself to dance. Before I even approach the floor I imagine everyone’s eyes suddenly fixated on me, dancing awkwardly and “looking stupid”. Outside of a crowd, I fear negative judgment from new friends and colleagues, that they won’t like me or enjoy my presence. Even when absolutely nothing negative occurs while together, I get a feeling that the others are simply “tolerating” me.

Why, as a 26-year-old adult, do I let these things bother me so much? For that matter, why do I even let such thoughts enter my mind? A large mixture of events and conversations, each pretty insignificant by itself, piled into a giant heap of insecurity and disgust that just won’t go away completely. Like December snow in Minnesota, it just keeps piling up and never seems to go away.

Silly, insignificant events…

At a high school football game, I had coins thrown at me as I walked by the opposing team’s bleachers. I restrained my fury and simply flipped off the section of people that had thrown the coins. A few days later, as I walked up to church, I was stopped by someone I considered a friend at that time.

“Why did you raise your middle finger at people at the game?”

“They were throwing stuff at me.”

“That’s no excuse. What kind of Christian are you?”

Judged. Put down for showing the slightest act of defiance to protect my pride. I’m human and humans make mistakes. Humans also get angry when other humans hurt them. Am I not allowed the right to be angry? No. Every time I step out of bounds I’m judged and I forsake who I am. Or I forsake my religion. As a Christian, aren’t I part of the religion, and therefore forsaking myself?

On spring break with a group of friends, we met some girls that we hung out with most of the week. Several of them “paired off” and seemed interested in all the guys but me. When one of them identified me as the “loner”, she helped point out what was wrong with me.

“We all think you’re really really cute, but you don’t talk enough!”

I’m boring. I listen, but by not driving a conversation I’m left behind. Silence is always awkward, and everyone hates awkward silences. So when I don’t talk, I fail. But if I don’t have anything to say, am I intrinsically a failure?

I go to a club with a friend while we’re on summer vacation. A girl grabs me and I try to dance, only to be met with her mocking laughter as she bluntly says…

“That’s not how you dance!”

She moves away to someone else and leaves me alone on the floor. It felt like everyone’s eyes were on me as I walked off the floor and tried to blend into the shadows like an invisible wallflower.

“That’s not how you dance.” I didn’t know how to dance. I don’t know how to dance. No one ever taught me. I’m told that it only matters if you have fun. How is it possible to have fun when you’re laughed at for not being able to do it correctly? Why does everyone look at me if I even approach a dance floor? Why is everyone watching, waiting for me to start moving awkwardly and make a fool of myself?

Little, tiny, insignificant events that should mean nothing; but they do. Though not as much as they once did, they do. So what to do?

I work on it.

I write about what bothers me. I talk to my wife about how I feel without fear of being judged. I cherish my friends, new and old, that like me for me. I replace the old “friends” with new, real friends that give a damn about me and that’s all that matters. I work on my family life, my personal life, my professional, spiritual, psychological, and artistic life. Though the bad is near impossible to let go of, it won’t be around forever.

“I got better.”

…and I’ll get better.

My First Minnesotan Blizzard

So today – December 11, 2010 – Jill and I woke up to what can easily be described as a literal Winter Wonderland.  White snow EVERYWHERE, and lots of it still falling.  In fact, as I write this the snow is finally starting to taper off a bit.

The truth of the matter is, this is probably the worst individual snow storm I have experienced in my life aside from the one in my home town of London, KY back in 1994 (or somewhere in that area).  Back then however, I wasn’t quite old enough to effectively shovel the driveway.  Not so much this time.

I put off shoveling the sidewalk/backyard-path/driveway at first, hoping that the snow would stop earlier in the day.  HUGE mistake on my part.  When I tried to let Charlie outside to use the bathroom (he was NOT happy about all the snow) and the door wouldn’t open more than 4-5 inches, I knew I had severely underestimated the extent of the snowfall.

What followed was well over an hour of shoveling a path through 2-feet-deep snow (higher in some places) from our back door to the front and to the street.  Well, where the street would be if not covered in snow.  Normally a simple path wouldn’t take too long, but between the snow continuing to fall; crazy wind blowing the snow everywhere; and the side-walls of the path occasionally collapsing…the task became slightly more begrudging than trying to eat fruitcake from Wal-Mart.

Eventually my crude little path was done; allowing Charlie easy access to the back yard for his potty breaks and for us to…well, walk from the front of the house to the back (I never said it was a perfect plan).  As a result my body feels like I just finished running tackle drills in football, and I still have sidewalks and a driveway to shovel tomorrow in addition to removing the cars from their shallow graves.

So…anyone want to lend a hand tomorrow?

Show and Tell - My View on the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Debate

On Tuesday, September 21, 2010 a bill to repeal the “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” law established in 1993 was shot down by the Senate. This is infuriating on a level I find difficult to describe. In 2010, after homosexuals have gained many rights they previously weren't allowed by law (in the so called greatest country ever), if any of them want to serve in the military they cannot let it be known in any way.

Why? Arguments are made by those supporting the law that range from simple prejudice to pure lunacy. Within this range of arguments the “strongest” and most prevalently mentioned revolve around two categories: Homophobia and Religion. It should come as no surprise to find that both of these categories are often merged into one, but for now I prefer to look at them both individually.

On the subject of homophobia...being from Kentucky, a state where you will see Confederate flags flying from trucks, some homes, and permanently tattooed on many arms, I have heard guys jokingly say “You gotta trust who's in the foxhole with you!” or “Who would give a fairy a gun?” more often than I care to remember.

Trust? Let's talk about trust. I know people who joined the military that are as hetero as they come. By this I mean they had sex with as many women as they could, were abusive to anyone they saw as an inferior, and loved to show how amazing they were by proving themselves to be an “Alpha Male” whenever possible. Trust? I know men and women of the homosexual orientation that I would trust my life with long before the homophobic misogynists that hate them so much.

Who would give them a gun? People ask this question as if being gay makes you incapable of functioning as a human being. Get this through your heads: a person's sexual orientation does not determine a person's ability to follow orders, a person's ability to handle a firearm, or a person's effectiveness in battle.

On the subject of religion...the most prominent “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” support obviously comes from members of the Christian faith, since many of them claim (or at least believe) that this country was founded solely based on Christian principles. The latter is a discussion for another day, however so many of them are taught that homosexuality makes a person evil, more of a “sinner” than they are. Some even have the gall to say these people are “abominations”. Let's get one thing straight. There is no reason why religious influences should even be a part of this debate. Why?

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS NOT A THEOCRACY!

That's why. Not only that, but if a person's ability to serve in the military is determined by the opinion (and yes it would be opinion) of strictly conservative Christians, then atheists, pagans, adulterers, and practicers of other religions shouldn't be allowed to serve either, right? They aren't following the “correct path” so they are sinners and unworthy to serve your country, right? What about women? They weren't allowed in the military before and women are to be submissive to men according to some sects of Christianity, right? I'm sure they wouldn't mind being thrown out of the military just because of the opinions of close-minded people that can't see beyond their make-believe image of a perfect black-and-white world.

Bottom line: Gay men are people. Lesbian women are people. Bisexual men and women are people. We are all people, with the same abilities to learn and grow and fight and do what we feel is right! There is NO justifiable reason why anyone should be denied their right to fight for their country because of who they are. They have no problem risking their lives for you and your rights in this country, so obviously it's not the so called “abominations” that have a problem. It's the close-minded hateful homophobes that have a problem.

I know that all Christians aren't filled with hate and close-minded homophobia like the ones mentioned above. In fact, I am a Christian that sides against “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” as you can plainly see. I also know that not all conservatives are anti-gay nor do they all support the law. This is largely my own opinion based upon personal observations in my life, research, and a thorough disdain for anyone that refuses to see the world outside their clouded little bubble. All the same, the fact remains: refusing people their rights and privileges as citizens of the United States of America is unlawful and un-American.

Playing Devil’s Advocate with Life and Death

On Friday, June 17 of 2010 Ronnie Lee Gardner was executed by firing squad in Utah.  This makes him the third person executed in this way in the United States since 1976 (source: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE65G6F620100618).

It is no surprise that the death penalty is a hot button for controversy in today's world.  Some see it as barbaric, others as true poetic justice.  Tempers flare high whenever the subject comes up, and understandably so.  To judge whether a person lives or dies is to cross a line that many believe should never be crossed.

This method of execution crosses a line of barbarism for many, especially when the generally more accepted method of today is death via lethal injection.  The execution is so extreme that one of the five gunmen is given a blank shell so as to give them the comfort of “reasonable doubt” as to who actually shot and killed a man.

For those in favor of the death penalty, they see it all as justice in the most basic and biblical way.  “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,” and a life for a life (or lives).  Gardner was sentenced to death after killing an attorney in a courthouse while escaping from a hearing where he was charged with murdering a bartender.  Is it not fair; is it not poetic justice that someone who kills in cold blood should lose his or her life in return?

Opposing the death penalty are those who find the concept of killing another person to be appalling and does nothing but continue a never-ending cycle of violence.  Some believe that being confined to a jail cell is punishment enough, leaving the killer to brood in his or her personal demons, surrounded by all of the other damned of society in their cages.  Is that not a more brutal punishment?  Left powerless to hurt other innocents outside their walls of confinement?

Those in favor of corporal punishment argue that jail is nowhere near adequate punishment for the crime.  This person, this killer is allowed to live despite taking innocent lives.  Their life in confinement, their food and water, their television and internet all paid for by taxpayers so they can live humanely.  Some see the lives of these convicted criminals and see them as living in relative luxury.  What they lack in contact with the outside world, they are provided through use of the internet and other media.

Meanwhile, those that argue jail time is the stronger punishment see this in a very different light.  Despite being convicted of horrible crimes, the prisoners are just as much people as those outside the jail.  They too deserve the right to live, but they must live within the walls of their punishment and horrendous acts.  There are people outside of jail that do nothing but stay in their room, eat, watch television and live through the internet, but such a depressing lifestyle is beneath the potential a free citizen of the United States has.  Such a depressing lifestyle would be the peak of existence for a killer spending his or her life in jail.

A firing squad, electric chair, gas, hanging, and even lethal injection are all methods of execution once or currently used in this country, all barbaric in their own right.  Some cry foul if the needle used during the lethal injection, putting the convicted to death in his or her sleep, is not sterilized.  Others cry that they should suffer more than being permitted to simply fall asleep.  Some cheer at murderer killed violently by gunshots into the chest.  Others balk that modern society would stoop to such a barbaric method of punishment.

So where do we draw the line?  Is there even a line that needs to be drawn?  Is it easier to get the ultimate revenge on the killer of a loved one; or is it easier to move on knowing that the guilty party will never again be free and suffer a slow death in jail?  Momentary satisfaction won't bring the dead back, and allowing the damned to live may never bring personal resolution.

Who are we to judge what is right and wrong?

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Submitted to Star Tribune of Minnesota on June 22nd without response.

Scary Days South of the Border

Just a few days ago I read an article on Reuters.com that both disturbed and intrigued me, bearing the headline "'I killed, cut off heads' says repentant Mexico hitman." Judging by some of the comments left on the article, some people interpret this as a reason why there should be stricter laws against illegal immigration.  I'd rather not go into that however, as I have my own opinion on the matter that may or may not be voiced someday in the future.

After reading what this man had to say, especially the very last line of the article which reads: "We come from all over, we just come in to do what we came to do, we make the kill and get out, disappear."  This man is basically saying that there are many of them of nearly any age (he made his first execution at age 17) and they can be anywhere at any time.  Yes this article refers to killings connected to drug cartels and the violence taking place in Mexico specifically, but who's to say that these killers don't come from elsewhere?  They could come from America, Brazil, Canada, Cuba, the list goes on!  The commenters focus on these hitmen coming from Mexico and needing to keep them "out of our country," but the cold hard fact is that these people can come from anywhere!

Going beyond the mysterious aspect of these hired killers is the more personal curiosity of "do I know this person?"  Now obviously I don't know the man interviewed in the article personally, but I do have roots in Mexico from my biological grandmother and great-grandfather.  Who knows?  This man could be a distant relative, or one of the many hitmen he mentions being out there could be a distant relative...and that is just a chilling thought to consider I could be blood related, however distant, to someone that kills for money.

Think beyond the issues in Mexico, and into other areas both foreign and local.  Mafias, gangs, and extremist groups that employ hitmen to eliminate their enemies and those that stand against them.  Family and friends, your neighbor two doors down...any of them could be part of something you might never expect.  At the same time none of them could be.

I don't intend this blog to make anyone feel paranoid or have suspicions of those around them.  I just want to share that chilling feeling of the mere thought that you might somehow be connected to someone with the deepest and darkest of secrets.

What strangers lie within the face of those you're most familiar with?  A little food for thought as you fall asleep tonight.

Getting Married - A Final Thought

So, I started writing this blog nearly a week ago...and decided to completely scrap the original idea.  Call it a change of heart, or just a change of mind, whatever you want.  It still dealt with the subject of marriage, but was more of a preachy "this is what you should do to have the best wedding possible in my opinion."  After actually experiencing it (which was absolutely amazing) and the preparations involved, I no longer feel quite so elitist.

We often hear of men (and women) getting cold feet on the day of their wedding, sometimes days or even weeks before.  Why?  Are they scared that maybe they picked the wrong person?  Are they scared of the notion that they can only be with one person for the rest of their lives?  Are they simply afraid that they can't handle the stress of the wedding or even married life?

Fact is, a wedding is a stressful event to plan.  Anyone that has been through it can tell you.  Even those able to afford to hire someone to manage every aspect of the wedding is bound to meet with stressful events of some form.  We tried taking the "small simple and intimate" route with ours, and it worked for the most part.  With a small ceremony we were spared the stress of managing multitudes of people (some of which we may not even know) and a bill for a large venue to seat and feed them all.  A short engagement of less than two months also allowed us to avoid the stress of people attempting to invite themselves and balloon our attendance far beyond what could be handled within the small venue we decided upon.

Looking back on it all, and how exhausted it left the both of us, I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like to have a large wedding.  More people invited, more guests, more expenses, more food...

I am not so naive as to ignore that there are people who handle the stress of a wedding very well, perhaps even thrive on it.  Not including men and women that remove themselves from making decisions in handling the wedding beyond actually showing up at the altar, they don't count in this regard.  We both felt as if we were being pulled in every direction at once many times leading up to the big day.  Especially Jill, who took so much upon herself that I know the wedding wouldn't have gone as smoothly as it did without her persistence.  I honestly don't know if I could have handled everything she did had I been in her shoes.  She's an amazing woman beyond what I could possibly imagine.

One of the most evident moments of stress this past weekend was Friday night at the rehearsal dinner.  Over 30 people were packed into my two-bedroom apartment, including family, friends, and children.  Normally I'm fine in crowds but for whatever reason this event brought the walls in closer and closer until I felt as if my head would pop like a firecracker!  To get away for a moment I took our dog Charlie for a walk...with my dad and my best man in tow.

At one point, concerned with how stressed and tired I was, my dad asked if I was nervous about the wedding...about getting married.  To be completely honest, no.  I wasn't nervous nor worried about it in any way.

Everything I know about Jill, I love.  Everything I don't know about her yet, I welcome with open arms.  I know for a fact that she is the person I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life, and the notion of "having cold feet" never once entered my mind.

Some guys that get scared at the thought of only being with one person for the rest of their lives.  You know what I say?  Good.  I'm glad I won't be with anyone else because I don't want to be.

I remember walking back to the apartment, letting the thoughts of "forever" roll over in my head.  I remember how tired I was that day and the next (and the next and the next), and one final thought to encompass it all comes to mind:

Will there be stressful days?  Yes.  Will there be misunderstandings and fights?  Yes.  Will there be hurt feelings and sadness when something unexpected or tragic happens in our lives?  Yes.  Will there be temptations and evil around trying to destroy what we have?  Yes.

Will we have to go through any of that alone?  No.  Never again.  And that's worth taking on all the stress in the world.