I'll Get Better

One of the greatest challenges I’ve had to face in my life is a common issue with many people: low self-esteem. For years it was an inner turmoil that often exposed itself as nervousness and self-loathing, both mentally and externally. But to quote John Cleese, “I got better.” 

Well, for the most part anyway.

Today, though my self-esteem is much higher than it once was, there are aspects of the past that continue to plague me. Certain aspects of my past refuse to be forgotten, constantly finding ways to grab hold of a gap in my inner defenses whenever possible. The most annoying of these break through during simple interactions that many people wouldn’t think twice about. Despite having moved beyond the most debilitating of my inner demons, I so often have a grave feeling of being judged.

Judged by whom? It depends on the situation. If I’m at a wedding reception or club with my wife where people are dancing, I often can’t bring myself to dance. Before I even approach the floor I imagine everyone’s eyes suddenly fixated on me, dancing awkwardly and “looking stupid”. Outside of a crowd, I fear negative judgment from new friends and colleagues, that they won’t like me or enjoy my presence. Even when absolutely nothing negative occurs while together, I get a feeling that the others are simply “tolerating” me.

Why, as a 26-year-old adult, do I let these things bother me so much? For that matter, why do I even let such thoughts enter my mind? A large mixture of events and conversations, each pretty insignificant by itself, piled into a giant heap of insecurity and disgust that just won’t go away completely. Like December snow in Minnesota, it just keeps piling up and never seems to go away.

Silly, insignificant events…

At a high school football game, I had coins thrown at me as I walked by the opposing team’s bleachers. I restrained my fury and simply flipped off the section of people that had thrown the coins. A few days later, as I walked up to church, I was stopped by someone I considered a friend at that time.

“Why did you raise your middle finger at people at the game?”

“They were throwing stuff at me.”

“That’s no excuse. What kind of Christian are you?”

Judged. Put down for showing the slightest act of defiance to protect my pride. I’m human and humans make mistakes. Humans also get angry when other humans hurt them. Am I not allowed the right to be angry? No. Every time I step out of bounds I’m judged and I forsake who I am. Or I forsake my religion. As a Christian, aren’t I part of the religion, and therefore forsaking myself?

On spring break with a group of friends, we met some girls that we hung out with most of the week. Several of them “paired off” and seemed interested in all the guys but me. When one of them identified me as the “loner”, she helped point out what was wrong with me.

“We all think you’re really really cute, but you don’t talk enough!”

I’m boring. I listen, but by not driving a conversation I’m left behind. Silence is always awkward, and everyone hates awkward silences. So when I don’t talk, I fail. But if I don’t have anything to say, am I intrinsically a failure?

I go to a club with a friend while we’re on summer vacation. A girl grabs me and I try to dance, only to be met with her mocking laughter as she bluntly says…

“That’s not how you dance!”

She moves away to someone else and leaves me alone on the floor. It felt like everyone’s eyes were on me as I walked off the floor and tried to blend into the shadows like an invisible wallflower.

“That’s not how you dance.” I didn’t know how to dance. I don’t know how to dance. No one ever taught me. I’m told that it only matters if you have fun. How is it possible to have fun when you’re laughed at for not being able to do it correctly? Why does everyone look at me if I even approach a dance floor? Why is everyone watching, waiting for me to start moving awkwardly and make a fool of myself?

Little, tiny, insignificant events that should mean nothing; but they do. Though not as much as they once did, they do. So what to do?

I work on it.

I write about what bothers me. I talk to my wife about how I feel without fear of being judged. I cherish my friends, new and old, that like me for me. I replace the old “friends” with new, real friends that give a damn about me and that’s all that matters. I work on my family life, my personal life, my professional, spiritual, psychological, and artistic life. Though the bad is near impossible to let go of, it won’t be around forever.

“I got better.”

…and I’ll get better.

Getting Married - A Final Thought

So, I started writing this blog nearly a week ago...and decided to completely scrap the original idea.  Call it a change of heart, or just a change of mind, whatever you want.  It still dealt with the subject of marriage, but was more of a preachy "this is what you should do to have the best wedding possible in my opinion."  After actually experiencing it (which was absolutely amazing) and the preparations involved, I no longer feel quite so elitist.

We often hear of men (and women) getting cold feet on the day of their wedding, sometimes days or even weeks before.  Why?  Are they scared that maybe they picked the wrong person?  Are they scared of the notion that they can only be with one person for the rest of their lives?  Are they simply afraid that they can't handle the stress of the wedding or even married life?

Fact is, a wedding is a stressful event to plan.  Anyone that has been through it can tell you.  Even those able to afford to hire someone to manage every aspect of the wedding is bound to meet with stressful events of some form.  We tried taking the "small simple and intimate" route with ours, and it worked for the most part.  With a small ceremony we were spared the stress of managing multitudes of people (some of which we may not even know) and a bill for a large venue to seat and feed them all.  A short engagement of less than two months also allowed us to avoid the stress of people attempting to invite themselves and balloon our attendance far beyond what could be handled within the small venue we decided upon.

Looking back on it all, and how exhausted it left the both of us, I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like to have a large wedding.  More people invited, more guests, more expenses, more food...

I am not so naive as to ignore that there are people who handle the stress of a wedding very well, perhaps even thrive on it.  Not including men and women that remove themselves from making decisions in handling the wedding beyond actually showing up at the altar, they don't count in this regard.  We both felt as if we were being pulled in every direction at once many times leading up to the big day.  Especially Jill, who took so much upon herself that I know the wedding wouldn't have gone as smoothly as it did without her persistence.  I honestly don't know if I could have handled everything she did had I been in her shoes.  She's an amazing woman beyond what I could possibly imagine.

One of the most evident moments of stress this past weekend was Friday night at the rehearsal dinner.  Over 30 people were packed into my two-bedroom apartment, including family, friends, and children.  Normally I'm fine in crowds but for whatever reason this event brought the walls in closer and closer until I felt as if my head would pop like a firecracker!  To get away for a moment I took our dog Charlie for a walk...with my dad and my best man in tow.

At one point, concerned with how stressed and tired I was, my dad asked if I was nervous about the wedding...about getting married.  To be completely honest, no.  I wasn't nervous nor worried about it in any way.

Everything I know about Jill, I love.  Everything I don't know about her yet, I welcome with open arms.  I know for a fact that she is the person I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life, and the notion of "having cold feet" never once entered my mind.

Some guys that get scared at the thought of only being with one person for the rest of their lives.  You know what I say?  Good.  I'm glad I won't be with anyone else because I don't want to be.

I remember walking back to the apartment, letting the thoughts of "forever" roll over in my head.  I remember how tired I was that day and the next (and the next and the next), and one final thought to encompass it all comes to mind:

Will there be stressful days?  Yes.  Will there be misunderstandings and fights?  Yes.  Will there be hurt feelings and sadness when something unexpected or tragic happens in our lives?  Yes.  Will there be temptations and evil around trying to destroy what we have?  Yes.

Will we have to go through any of that alone?  No.  Never again.  And that's worth taking on all the stress in the world.